someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
