sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
