and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
