I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
