Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
