I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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