life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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