is your mom at the bar?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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