I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing