I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.