8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
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Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.