Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.