I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
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Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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