So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
