I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
