I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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