pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
