Define "chronic" masturbator.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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