Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
