No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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