I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
