my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
