my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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