I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
