I am spending my child support on dildos
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
