That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
