# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
