remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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