His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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