I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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