This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
