Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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