kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
