i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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