ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
