It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
