I hope my margaritas pass through security.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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