Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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