tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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