god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
