I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
