I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
