Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
