I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
a search helicopter?!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
