dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
