I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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