i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I believe in your delicious
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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