I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
