Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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