Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
