At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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