god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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