he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
