Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
