Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
