oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
